


The Conflict of Loss

by LelianasSong



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Coping with Grief, Death, F/F, Loss of Parent(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-05-02 14:33:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14546802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LelianasSong/pseuds/LelianasSong
Summary: Loss and grief are difficult to deal with for everybody and when Ana Amari appears again after her 'death', Angela and Fareeha both have to deal with the fallout.





	The Conflict of Loss

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all! This is a heads up, this is a personal piece that has come about through my own struggles to come to terms with the subject. Grief and loss are very complex issues and we all deal with them very differently. I hope this comes across in the work, because it really helped me to just work through some of my thoughts and feelings about the topic.
> 
> Anyways, I hope you guys like it!

Angela stared down at the ground, feeling her hands shake as she watched her girlfriend pace around the room. They had all been shocked the moment that Ana Amari had walked through doors of Watchpoint: Gibraltar, yet Fareeha’s response had been… unexpected. The anger she had expected, the surprise at seeing her mother once again and yet… she had known for longer than any of them hadn’t she that Ana Amari had been alive.

It was difficult to come to terms with, for Angela.In her mind, she had taught herself from a young age that people just do not come back. Since the loss of her parents, she had conditioned the realisation, growing up far too quickly and finding her own way in a world where she saw loss every single day. Each mother she had informed of her child’s passing, each child she had held as they cried and she could not help but cry with them; there would be no reunion for them until they passed to whatever afterlife they moved onto.

There was a part of her that was jealous, that twisted and irrational part that simply disregarded Fareeha’s current pain for her own. She thought of her childhood, where once there had been forehead kisses goodnight and love and support, ripped so disastrously from her grasp. They had both lost from war and part of her had found solace in that and now… well not Fareeha had her mother back and despite the anger and the betrayal that Fareeha undoubtedly felt, she still had her back. A miracle had happened and Angela felt that sickly, dark feeling of resentment seep into her as she sat in silence, watching Fareeha.

“You’re lucky,” Angela spoke, her voice tense as she tried to hold that poison down beneath her words.

“What?” Fareeha spoke, turning around suddenly and staring at her girlfriend incredulously.

“To have her back. You’re lucky, Fareeha.”

“I grieved her, Angela!” Fareeha’s voice quivered, her hands clenching momentarily at her sides. “You were there at the funeral and you saw them commemorate my mother’s life! She left me and then a few months ago… I didn’t want to see her! I was angry and I wasn’t ready to see her yet!”

“So what? At least you did not lose her. Aren’t you happy for that?”

“That… it isn’t that simple, Angela,” Fareeha sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“I think it is.”

“What?”

“Do you know how many people would give anything and everything just to get the call that it had all been a mistake? That somewhere out there, their loved one was just waiting to come back? That they just needed to sort themselves out, recollect and reassess and come back to what was always important to them? You are  _ lucky _ and yet you refuse to see it!”

Angela could not remember the moment she had stood up, nor could she remember getting so close to Fareeha, her finger jammed harshly into her chest as the words she had fought to keep buried burst forth. Her whole body was shaking as she looked up into Fareeha’s brown eyes, her mounting anger getting worse as those brown eyes shifted from shock into anger that matched her own.

“You do not get to dictate how I feel, Angela! You have no idea what this feels like!”

“My parents are  _ dead _ ! I didn’t get that call or letter that you did! I watched them die! I watched as their life drained from them in the name of a war that I just want to stop at all costs! I lived for them! I became who I am for them and they will never see that! They will never get to be proud of me and every morning when I wake up, I wonder if they would smile to see me now! You get to  _ know _ , Fareeha! You have been given a gift and yet here you are, pretending like it’s the end of the world!”

“Angela…”

“No! I don’t want to hear it! I get it, it must be so hard dealing with that grief, but if I were you I would be down that hall right now! I would be talking to the woman who I had cried for and I would be committing every moment to memory so that I did not have to forget them once it was too late! Yet here you are, pacing around like it’s going to get you anywhere!”

“Angela, stop.”

“Stop? I’ll stop the moment you march down that hall so I no longer have to see this. I don’t want to see you like this when I would give absolutely everything to be in your shoes right now!”

Fareeha’s eyes hardened at that, stepping back as she did away from Angela’s accusatory finger and the venom that seemed to be spilling from her lips. She turned her back, allowing for Angela to breathe for a moment without staring into those challenging brown eyes. A shaky breath seemed to rattle through Fareeha’s body, her shoulders slumping and her arms crossing over her in protection. Angela’s eyes cast down the swell of anger and frustration and fear seeming to expel out of her as she took deep breaths, allowing the tears she so often tried to forget existed to fall down her cheeks.

“I don’t know what to do Angela. I have been trying to come to terms with everything for months and seeing her today… I realised I don’t know how to feel at all. I don’t want to lose her ever again, I don’t want to have to go through that pain again. It was hard enough the first time and you understand that, I think,” Fareeha spoke, her voice low and trembling.

“Fareeha, I…”

“No, I don’t need another lecture. I know exactly what this means and I know exactly why I should be thankful. I am so grateful, it felt like a blessing when I received that letter from her… I never ever thought something so precious would happen to me. I know all of these things, but it is still difficult… I don’t know what to do.”

Deflating slightly, Angela looked at her still trembling hands, watching the tremors that shook them with a sadness and a shame that felt so palpable. Closing her eyes, she let out another final, deep breath and stepped forward. She reached out to Fareeha’s back, her hand lingering mere inches from her body.

“May I touch you?” Angela asked, her hands still shaking as she held them out.

“...okay.”

Reaching forward, Angela placed her hands upon Fareeha’s back, finding strength there that seemed to still her trembling hands. Slowly, she wrapped her arms around Fareeha’s waist, pressing her face into her lover’s back and allowing the tears to fall down her cheeks. She squeezed tightly, hoping somehow, someway that her apology would be felt where she could not say anything. Her heart felt like it was twisting so thoroughly in her chest that she did not know what to do, so she continued to hold onto her girlfriend and continued to cry and mourn; for herself, for everyone like her who had not been so lucky and for Fareeha who was facing a bittersweet gift.

“I… wish I could have met your parents,” Fareeha spoke softly into the silence, stroking Angela’s arm as she did. “I wish I could have seen you happy with them.”

“They… they would have loved you,” Angela whimpered; the kind words to shake her body to its core.

“I hope so… and I am sorry. I should have thought…”

“No, I was being selfish. It’s… we’ll work this out, Fareeha. I know we will.”

Fareeha nodded, turning in Angela’s arms and placing a kiss on the top of her forehead.

“My mother invited me to dinner… would you mind coming with me?”

“Of course; I’ll be there.”

Fareeha nodded and kissed her again, this time gently on the lips. She brushed the tears streaming down her cheeks with her thumbs, smiling sadly as they looked into each other’s eyes and finding nothing left of the challenge they had shared.

“I… shouldn’t have said those things to you. I’m so sorry, schätzli.”

“That’s… it’s okay. We’re okay, just… let’s not do things like that to each other, please?”

Angela nodded, resting her head on Fareeha’s chest and easing her body as the last remnants of her rage seemed to ebb out of her in waves of exhaustion. Closing her eyes, she still knew what her mind was telling her, knew that she would give everything to just hear her parents’ voices again, to feel the warmth of their arms wrapped around her as Fareeha’s were now. There was no amount of time that would heal that, she had learnt that by now, but that wasn’t Fareeha’s fault and she knew that. The fault was no one’s but a war the devastating consequences of it.

As she let the embrace linger, she formulated the vision in her mind that she had used so very often to settle her heart and mind in its toughest moments. There in her mind, her parents stood, smiling and laughing, their eyes and hearts filled with pride of the woman she had become. This would have to do for her, but perhaps for Fareeha, she could have that happiness for real and for that, despite the selfish anger that had overtaken her, her heart sang with hope for her. Hope that maybe Fareeha would not have to suffer like her anymore; hope that perhaps she would not need to for a very long time.


End file.
